As seen through the eyes of a witness to the SXSW tragedy

A good friend of mine told me that I should write down everything I saw the day of the SXSW tragedy because it would help me repress it. After having some time to reflect these past few days, I feel ready to spill these words in order to try and get the images out of my mind.

No one prepares you for it. One moment, you're tending to your duties as a volunteer and the next you're surrounded by motionless bodies lying in blood spread across the cold street.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014. It was my second day volunteering at The Mohawk as part of my work with SXSW. My job? Stage Crew, which pretty much consisted of helping musicians load and unload equipment. I was scheduled Tuesday through Saturday with 6 p.m.-2 a.m. shifts.

I was particularly excited to work that day because Tyler, the Creator, would be performing at one in the morning. Outside the venue, lines had already started forming when I arrived for my shift. I sensed it would be a busy night.

At around 11:40 p.m., I took a break to go get something to eat. I walked a few blocks up Red River St. to a food truck, bought a slice of pizza, and sat down for about 30 minutes. I checked Twitter and saw that Tyler had posted a tweet that said The Mohawk would let him bring 100 fans in for the show and encouraged them to be outside at 12:30 a.m. 

I knew this would cause chaos outside the venue, so I headed back at around 12:10 a.m. From the distance, I could see the crowd had built up outside the venue. My plan was to help outside, so I went inside the venue to make sure it was okay with my stage manager. "Hey Ernie, I know Tyler is getting here soon so if you don't need me here, I'll be outside seeing if they need help." "Yeah, that's fine. Go ahead." And with that, I walked out of the venue again. 

I did some walk-throughs on Red River St. to monitor the crowd and headed back to the entrance of the venue which directly faces the street. I had informed the staff of Tyler's tweet in order for them to be prepared in the event of crowd disorder. At around 12:25, I did my last walk-through and headed back to the entrance. I was mentally prepared for the chaos Tyler would bring; for what happened next, I was not. 

I remember facing the crowd and out of the corner of my eye, I saw flashing police lights approaching from the right side. Since it was around 12:30, my first instinct was, "Tyler's here. Police is here to control the crowd." The next thing I saw was a vehicle and what looked like a guy jumping out the window. Then I realized, "Wait. He didn't jump out the window. He rolled off the top of the car. Why would he do that?" Once I realized the car had been the one to hit him, I was horrified to see it keep going.

Suddenly, I saw bodies flying through the air. I can still picture the sound of them being violently struck by the front of the vehicle, then falling to the ground. 

The car sped past the intersection of Red River and 10th, and the cop car followed behind it. That's when I realized we had been caught in the middle of a high speed chase.

I don't think any of us realized what we were seeing as it was happening before our eyes. It all happened within seconds, but we all felt like we were seeing it in slow motion. 

Everyone who moved out of the way had moved towards me to the sidewalk. Then, they rushed towards the victims. I heard one of our staff members shout, "Oh my God. Call 911!" I saw bodies lying throughout the street. There were shoes, pieces of clothing, and belongings scattered all over. I knew that, for my own good, I should avoid looking at the scene but I felt like it was my responsibility to help in any way I could.

I rushed to a girl who was unconscious and lying on her side. The first thing I saw was the blood flowing slowly in large quantity from beneath her tiny and fragile body. A guy turned her face over and it was covered in blood, gushing out from her mouth and nose. Her maroon dress was soaked in blood. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. "She has a pulse!" I heard someone say. I wanted to rush to every victim to make sure they were still alive, but I didn't even know where to begin or where to turn. 

The best I could do is focus on clearing the street so that the emergency vehicles, which I could already hear in the distance, could make their way through. 

"Move back to the sidewalk! Clear the area!" I shouted. A girl stood crying. I approached her and said, "Please clear the area, please." "I can't leave without my friend," she sobbed while pointing at someone lying on the street. I wanted to hug her and cry, but I knew I had to keep my composure.  

I remembered the girl I had seen earlier and felt the urge to go back and see how she was doing. By the time I got to her, paramedics were already performing CPR. I can remember how her chest--her body lifted from the ground. It was painful to watch because it looked like it was painful to her. 

More emergency vehicles soon arrived. I moved toward the sidewalk as well so they could do their work. I kept staring at the girl, hoping she wasn't dead. The last I saw of her was that she was surrounded by paramedics who began to use defibrillation. I thought she might not make it and I prayed to God she would live. 

I stood watching, unable to believe this was happening in real life. I saw someone carry a girl whose leg was completely broken. I saw unconscious victims being carried away in stretchers and I prayed they were still alive. 

"Oh my God, Oh my God," was all we could say. 

After the scene was cleared and all that was left were the blood stains, they told us the venue and the street was shut down and we all needed to go home. 

On my way out, my stage manager saw the blank stare I had. "I'm sorry you had to see that. I understand if you don't want to come in tomorrow." I simply nodded.

A girl who was volunteering with me but had remained inside saw me and offered to walk me to my car. During the long walk, I finally broke down. First, I had survivor's guilt. "Why did you spare me and not them? Why couldn't I have been hit instead?" Then, I realized how lucky I had been and thanked God for sparing me. I knew there must have been a reason for it. 

The drive to my apartment was brutal. My mind wasn't in the correct place. I don't remember much of it.

I got to my apartment and my roommate asked what was wrong. I told her everything and she offered to sleep on the couch if I was scared to be alone that night. I kept seeing updates on Twitter, now saying two were confirmed dead. I wanted to disappear.

I fell asleep at around four in the morning.

I woke up to news anchors on television saying, "Two dead and 23 injured in an early morning drunk driving accident at SXSW," and I knew this hadn't been a nightmare.

I didn't go back to The Mohawk the following day. All I felt like doing was staying home and getting myself back together. More than anything, I wanted to drive home and see my family but I knew I couldn't because of the commitment I had made with SXSW.

I went back to the scene on Friday to finish off my shifts. There was a sad silence I still felt. I could still picture that night--it was hard not to. But I kept on, knowing that the show must go on. 

                    

I haven't fully recovered from the shock just yet. Sudden movements or noises frighten me. The sounds of sirens and ambulances bring me to tears. I hesitantly cross the street because I can picture the car coming from the distance. I feel uncomfortable when I see people in the street because I feel like they're in danger. I feel like vehicles move way too fast. I see the bodies on the street.

It's not easy to get over something like this. I can only imagine how the families must feel. It's crazy how life changes from one moment to the next. How lives are lost due to the carelessness of a driver. So many are affected by this and I often blame myself and feel guilty. Could I have done more? Would someone still be alive if I had done something differently? These are questions I'll keep asking myself for the rest of my life. There's nothing worse than feeling like you failed in some way.

I hope this serves as a lesson to many who even think about getting behind the wheel while having alcohol in their system. Not only do you ruin your own life, but the lives of others as well. Take a cab, phone a friend, but whatever you do, don't allow an incident like this to happen again. No one should have to die this way.

I hope we can all eventually recover and get back to a normal life, especially the victims and their families who need the tranquility more than anyone. 

-Mariana Muñoz